Brian Ford (00:08):
Welcome to Money and Mindset with Bright and Brian, a podcast exploring the connections between good financial habits and positive psychology to help you find greater happiness. I'm Brian Ford, head of Financial Wellness at Truist. I'm joined by my friend and co-host, Bright Dickson, Truist's resident expert in positive psychology.
(00:27):
How are you doing today, Bright?
Bright Dickson (00:28):
Hey, Brian. I'm doing great. And I'm super excited to talk about this topic today because it's so relevant in our digital world. We've all heard the expression keeping up with the Joneses. So today we're going to talk about what compels us to compare ourselves to others and strive to match what they have, even if that means overspending or going into debt. We'll also talk about mindful strategies to help break free from the comparison cycle.
Brian Ford (00:53):
This is such an important topic, mainly because we have more access to information today than ever before through digital platforms and social media, which means there's even more pressure to keep up. We've got a lot to cover, Bright. You ready to dig in?
Bright Dickson (01:08):
Let's do it.
Brian Ford (01:09):
Well, welcome back to Money and Mindset. We're talking about social comparisons, specifically why we compare ourselves to others, the financial implications of our comparisons and what we can do to help overcome the feelings of not having what we perceive others may have.
(01:31):
Bright, we're all familiar with the expression, you already mentioned it, but keeping up with the Joneses. But give us just a little bit more color on this expression.
Bright Dickson (01:40):
It refers to sort of our internal setting that we want to have as much or do as much or be like others. So especially when it comes to material things. So I might feel that I need to keep up with the Joneses. The Joneses being any sort of standard person out there, not specific Joneses. But if I see my neighbor get a new car or if my friend goes on an amazing vacation or if a co-worker buys a bigger house or whatever it is. In other words, I may feel that I should also have a new car or the vacation or the house or whatever it is or sort of whatever my equivalent is to give me that feeling of I'm with everyone else, I'm part of the group.
Brian Ford (02:28):
I mean, our desire to keep up. It can be a positive motivator, but it can also become a problem, especially if doing so forces us to live beyond our means. And one of the most popular places to compare ourselves is social media. Now Bright, obviously social comparison, it's not new, it's been around forever and it doesn't just happen online with social media platforms. But the ability to do it more often and in more ways continues to evolve.
(02:59):
And Bright, I think you know this about me, but I'm not a big social media user, and it was a conscious decision, I made that decision very early on way before academic studies revealed data about social media's harmful effects. But I'm not anti-social media either. I use LinkedIn for professional reasons and try to share good content there. But I'm cautious about how I engage with social media. And if I remember right, it was probably about, I don't know, seven or eight years ago was about the time when we as a society started talking about the negative effects of social media kind of on a larger scale.
(03:38):
And it's funny because about that time when I would mention to a friend or a colleague that I'm not really on social media, about half of the time they'd say something like, good for you. And I was like, okay. I'm not stepping back from social media to make some social statement. I just didn't like the way it made me feel. My wife, my kids are on it. So it's in our lives. I just decided that I had to be mindful about how I use it, and I think we all have to be mindful.
Bright Dickson (04:08):
Absolutely, very mindful, constantly.
Brian Ford (04:13):
And I don't know Bright if this is goofy or not, but I like to compare social media to fire. Now, fire can be warm and beautiful. I just cleaned out our fireplace by the way yesterday, kind of getting it ready for colder weather. I enjoy roasting s'mores. I love curling up by the fireplace with a good book. However, if we don't properly use fire or fail to contain it, fire can be destructive and it can burn us. And I think social media is the same way, and that's why I kind of compare it to fire. I do this with my kids. I do it with myself. It's a comparison I can relate to. And social media is a lot the same, like fire, because the impact of social media, it can spread if we're not careful.
Bright Dickson (04:58):
Yeah. It can come right into real life. And that's because as we become more connected with digital platforms, apps on-demand, communication, all that stuff, we just see more of what others are doing. We see more footage. We see more photos. People are sharing more and more of their lives. And usually it's the good stuff. People tend not to share the hard stuff, the bad stuff. They share the good stuff, they share the highlight reels as people say, and that can really reinforce our desire to compare ourselves to others. And because it's so widespread, it's really the most significant opportunity for social comparison today.
Brian Ford (05:37):
Yeah, I agree. And there's lots of data to back that up. A study out of the UK called Comparison Culture 2023. It asks 1,000 people ages 16 to 24 if they engage in online comparisons. And 89% said yes. And when asked what area feel most pressure to compare themselves to, 34% said their wealth.
(06:04):
And another survey on social media from bankrate.com found that 57% of users think other people post to make themselves look successful. Not a surprise. The survey also found that 20% of users had negative feelings about their finances after seeing posts from others.
(06:26):
And so Bright, I mean, there's definitely no question about the connection between social media and the pressure many of us feel to keep up with the Joneses. So Bright, let's talk about why we compare ourselves to others.
Bright Dickson (06:40):
As you said earlier, Brian, social comparison has been around since the dawn of humanity. Since we've been being ourselves in groups we've been comparing ourselves to each other. But social comparison as a theory sort of in psychology was introduced in 1954 by a psychologist named Leon Festinger. And his theory was that people sort of need to evaluate themselves and form judgments about who they are, and we do this through comparing ourselves to others. We see what others have, what others do, how others are, and we compare ourselves. And then what we try to do is sort of get to the level that we think that is better than what we are.
(07:24):
So most of us sort of do this upward comparison. Occasionally we'll do a downward comparison, but we tend to compare up. This starts at a young age. So when you've got a toddler who's mad because someone has a toy that he doesn't have, that social comparison we can see it really, really early. Social comparison is really key and helping us understand ourselves through other people, it helps us identify where we belong and where we don't belong. And it really creates that sense of self, but also a sense of the world by showing us what's in for us and what's out for us.
(08:04):
But as we say, it can get out of hand, especially when we compare ourselves to others unfairly or without complete information or too often, too frequently. And we know, for example, entertainment, celebrity culture, it's viewing reality, but it's also impacting reality and choices.
Brian Ford (08:26):
Those are some good points, Bright. What we all need to understand, I think, and we know this, but sometimes we're a little too hard on ourselves is comparison is normal. Like you said, it starts at a very young age. It's normal. It's okay. It's a way that we navigate through life. And anytime we look at others, we're making judgments about others. But we're also making judgments about ourselves, right?
Bright Dickson (08:48):
Yeah. We're doing both at the same time together. That's why it's sort of social, because it's different. So we typically see social comparison falling into three categories. So I mentioned a couple of them earlier. Upward, so that's when I believe that the person I'm comparing myself to is superior to me in some way. So that can make us feel bad about ourselves or it can inspire us to do better, to be more, to reach a new goal. So when you think of the places you go for inspiration, that's upward comparison just as much as that girl in your high school, for example, that you may compare yourself to from time to time that makes you feel bad about yourself, and she's been doing that for years and years and it's just like a habit you have, saying for a friend.
(09:35):
The second one is downward comparison. So this is when I believe that the person I'm comparing myself to is inferior to me in some way. And this can make us feel good about ourselves or maybe feel relieved that maybe we're not as bad off as someone else, maybe make us a little grateful for what we do have.
(09:54):
And then there's lateral. So this is when I think I'm equal to the person I'm comparing myself to. This can be comforting. Maybe it will sometimes make us feel like we need to work harder, but we do all of those kinds of social comparisons. And sometimes even with the same person. It may not be about the person, maybe it's about the quality they have or a material thing that they have or something like that. We could do all of it at any time.
Brian Ford (10:22):
Yeah. Yeah, I'm so glad that you shared those categories with us because what they represent is a big part of the reason why I don't spend a lot of time on social media. And I felt kind of weird talking about it. I didn't fully understand it. But I think those categories helped me better understand. Because in the past when I was online, there were times when I'd look at someone else and think, dang, I'm doing pretty good. And that mindset didn't make me want to strive for more. It made me feel decent in the moment, but I wanted to reach bigger goals. I didn't want to feel complacent or settled just because that benchmark was right for other people. I wanted to set my own benchmarks and my own goals. And it's weird, Bright, I've never really wanted to talk about that. It would make me feel like I was egotistical. It wasn't something that I liked chatting about.
(11:15):
But I think now that you've listed those three comparisons and the way that we compare, it gives me a framework, I think, to talk about it in a way that I can say, okay, I'm okay with where I want to go. And it's okay that I'm on a different path than others. And social media sometimes did make me feel complacent. So easy for us to talk about, oh, social comparisons, and I feel bad about myself because this person's doing so much better. And that's kind of 90% of, I think, what we hear in the media about social media and so forth. But I appreciate those comparisons because it uncovers kind of a side of social media that I was leery of but couldn't always articulate it.
Bright Dickson (11:54):
Yeah. I mean, I think we can have many different reactions to that and I think you make a good point, Brian. I think it really too is about knowing yourself and knowing what's good for you. So that's something I think listeners should think about while we're talking about this, is at what point is social comparison good for you individually and at what point is it too much? And then how do you regulate that?
(12:16):
I think we hear a lot about how social media comparisons make us feel negative about ourselves because we see, oh, this person has that, or this person is doing so much better than I am. But I also feel like seeing people feel comfortable achieving or doing less, that can sometimes have a negative impact too. It just depends on your frame of reference and your goals. But Brian, let's talk a little bit about the ways that maybe social comparison can be good for us and for our finances.
Brian Ford (12:50):
Yeah. I think from a financial standpoint, I think we can use social comparisons to help us become more intentional about the way we spend and save. I liked what you just brought up, this idea of seeing folks do things that we want to do as well. I mean, we can look at others and admire or aspire to be like them. And I think that's a good thing if it motivates us and they are good folks going in the right direction. But I also think we need to spend and save based on our own values and what's important to us. But certainly widening our aperture and seeing what's out there, especially if these are positive influences, can be a good thing. And I do think though, that once we have a good sense of our own direction, we can look to others as good examples. And I think good examples are more prevalent now because of social media as well.
(13:43):
But all of this kind of comes down to a principle that I learned very early on, Bright, that I think is applicable here. I learned it from one of my favorite books, and it's basically very simple. I believe that in life we can act or we can be acted upon. Let me explain what that means and why this principle is significant to me and why I think it certainly applies to this conversation around social media. I think we need to evaluate our actions regularly and honestly consider, are we just floating down this river of life without much direction? That's being acted upon. Or do we have our oars in the water and are we taking action? And if we're not mindful, social media and social comparisons can act on us even subconsciously.
(14:27):
And we want to be intentional about our technology use, our social media use, and we want to be intentional about our financial goals. We want to seek out those people who share our goals and the direction we want to move in life. And this can be in the real world or in the digital world. I think social media is really just an extension of our surrounding group of influence. And before social media and technology, I think we had an easier time controlling our surroundings. I mean, it was a bit simpler just to decide not to be around someone if it wasn't in our best interest. But now it's more challenging because that circle of influence is 10 times bigger and oftentimes it's just there without us making a decision because we use our phones and other devices for many other things other than just social media. So if we are mindful, we can use social media and social comparison to our benefit.
Bright Dickson (15:19):
Yeah. And as you were talking about that, Brian, what I was thinking was with social media especially the algorithms are designed to take advantage of this feeling, I'm not good enough feeling, and provide us a product to fill that hole immediately. That's how they're designed. That's how they make money. That's how they stay in business. So I think this connection between social comparison and our finances is really, really key. And when we come back, we're going to talk a little bit about why it might be a good time for a digital detox and strategies for breaking this negative cycle of social comparison and finding some more balance in your finances and in your daily life.
(16:01):
Brian and I are discussing the pressure many people feel to keep up with the Joneses is particularly after they spend some time on social media. Research shows that almost all of us from Gen Z to baby boomers spend many minutes online every day across popular platforms. And it got me wondering how important is it to take a social media digital detox, which is just unplugging from electronic devices like your smartphone and computer and logging off social platforms so that you can be more present in the real world.
Brian Ford (16:43):
In fact, I am scrolling through my statistics and you were talking about how much we actually use social media, and I want to find this one piece of data that I thought was so interesting. Yes, it's a report from the research and analytics from Emarketer. They found that people ages 18 to 24 spend 186 minutes on social media each day, and people ages 25 to 34 spend 140 minutes per day, Bright. And I thought that was pretty telling. I completely agree with you.
Bright Dickson (17:15):
Yeah.
Brian Ford (17:16):
I think when it comes to kind of a digital detox, I think first it's important, I prefer just call it taking a break. I don't know why. I like taking a break from things. I like finding balance. So I do think it's important to take a break and disconnect from using our devices every once in a while, even if you're not on social media. And when we do take time to disconnect from social platforms, we can give ourselves room to assess what content we really want.
(17:42):
For example, going back to the pressure that many of us feel to keep up with the Joneses because of we see and what we read on social media, I think it's time to decide where are you at with your use of social media? Is it helping you become your best self? If not, maybe it is time to take a break. Or if you think spending time online has more positives than negatives, maybe you just need to edit your consumption and be more intentional about what you're reading and watching to ensure that it aligns with your values. Then we can disconnect from the streams that really don't match up with those values.
Bright Dickson (18:19):
Yeah, exactly, Brian. A detox can sort of be whatever you want it to be. It can be to disconnect from all social platforms across the board, throw your phone in the ocean, whatever you want to do. Or maybe you just take a break from one or two. It could also be to text less and meet your friends and family in person.
(18:37):
I think when you pull back from spending so much time on social media, you can replace that time, that 180, 140 minutes, whatever it is for you, you can replace that time with doing good things like going for a walk or calling a friend or taking on a new challenge. So replace that extra time from your digital detox with things that make you feel genuinely refreshed and relaxed and rejuvenated.
Brian Ford (19:03):
Yeah, I love that, Bright. And if you're cutting back but not completely stepping away, maybe it's we make it a point to spend your time online in ways that align with what you value. For example, what influencers do you follow? Do they share ideas and insights that align with where you want to go? What podcasts do you listen to? Besides this one, of course.
(19:24):
And if your goal is to budget better or retire early, then find digital content that can reinforce those efforts. In fact, if your goal is to retire early, you've got to check out one of our earlier episodes called What is FIRE, where you can learn all about the FIRE or, financial independence retire early movement. You certainly can find that episode on our podcast page. But I think it is time to kind of step back and say, is this benefiting me?
Bright Dickson (19:52):
Yeah. That was a nice plug in there, Brian.
Brian Ford (19:54):
Yeah.
Bright Dickson (19:55):
I think the most important message we're getting at is it rather than going on social media and then looking at what you don't have, which sort of feeds this negative social comparison, it's better for your mindset, for your well-being, for your finances, to be really intentional about what you're consuming online and why. And if you're feeling this pressure to sort of take a big vacation like one of your friends, if you start getting that feeling, is it the vacation that you want or is it sort of the status of having taken that vacation that you're after? What is the actual feeling that you're having and the actual feeling that you're going for?
(20:35):
Think about the why, which we've talked about this in our November podcast, More Joy, Less Spending. Will that vacation actually enhance your life or help you achieve a goal? Or will spending time and money on it get in the way of something that you want even more?
Brian Ford (20:53):
Yeah, I think that's spot on Bright. We want to be careful not to take on debt unless it's for the right reasons. And another point I want to make is I think it's important that when we pull back on something like social media, that we fill that gap with something else, something good. You touched on this just a little bit earlier, Bright. I want to dive into this a little bit.
(21:12):
For me, being a finance guy, here's what I'd say. If you see someone online who has a thing that you want, then I'd recommend creating a savings account specifically for that thing and build towards it. The key is to pick something that you're excited about saving for. So if it's that vacation we were talking about, Bright, then start a fund and label your account, Hawaii 2026. Then you can focus on tackling your awesome finance goal by automating a specific amount to that account every time you earn a paycheck. And over time, that balance starts to build up. So now you've pulled back in one area and you've replaced it with goodness from another. And there's a compounding effect that grows over time.
(21:54):
Bright, you also bring up another good point, looking at the why behind things you think you want or need. Instead of feeling kind of this pressure to keep up, how can we use what we see on social media to impact us in positive ways mentally and financially? What do you think about that, Bright?
Bright Dickson (22:13):
So a couple of things here. So one, I think that in order to have impact, or positive impact, let me say that, you have to really limit it. So you want to actually limit your time on social media. And what I've started doing, I mean, I love social media definitely more than you do, Brian. I'm into it. I don't post very much by looking at what other people are doing and posting. But I set timers. So if I sort of need to do my nighttime wind down, I set a timer on that thing, and when the timer goes off, I'm done. It's over. So I really recommend sort of limiting it from a time perspective.
Brian Ford (22:53):
Bright, does that work for you? I think that's fascinating.
Bright Dickson (22:55):
Yeah.
Brian Ford (22:56):
Does that work for you? How do I go about recommending that possibly to say my adult daughters, I wonder?
Bright Dickson (23:04):
I guess you tell them that I told you to tell them that they should set a timer. I think maybe that'll work.
Brian Ford (23:13):
I'm going to do that, actually.
Bright Dickson (23:14):
Yeah. I mean, it does work for me. There's something about having the timer go off that I am now sort of responsive to. So yeah, it does work for me. And then I do feel this sense of relief kind of when the timer goes off. I don't know what that's about. But it does feel like, oh, okay, now I can rest. Now I can turn it off. If I don't have that timer, hours will go by. And that's something I'm embarrassed about a little bit, but also that is the way that these things are designed.
Brian Ford (23:45):
I wonder if it gives you a sense of control.
Bright Dickson (23:48):
Yeah. Yeah. I think it probably does, and I think it gives me a sense of now I can move on to the next thing. It gives me that sense of control that there's a relief in it. It's not mastery, it's like relief in a way.
Brian Ford (24:03):
Interesting. I just think that's fascinating. Appreciate you sharing that. That's a cool tip.
Bright Dickson (24:07):
Yeah. Timers work for me. I don't know what it is. They just work for me. I've got them set all the time.
(24:14):
I think another piece here, and this is sort of classic positive psychology, is that practicing gratitude can really help mitigate this social comparison thing. And when I say practice gratitude, I mean it like you would practice yoga or practice piano or practice, I don't know, whatever it is that you do, your hobby that you want to get better and better and better at it, and there's no sort of moment where you've got it all done. And basically what I'm saying is that you need to do it early and often. That's what we mean by our practice is that you're doing it pretty often.
(24:51):
Gratitude is really about understanding, looking for really owning and finding meaning in what you already do have. So it takes your focus away from what you don't have, which is the root of social comparison and helps you really anchor in on what you do have. So there are plenty of ways to practice gratitude. A good Google search will give you lots of ideas. Many people use a journal, that's what I use and have used for years and years and years where I write down three things every day that I'm grateful for and why. It's those two parts. So what are you grateful for and why? I've been doing this for years and years. It's really the foundation of, I think, my well-being as a whole.
(25:37):
Start a gratitude journal. You can have a gratitude jar where you write down one thing a day and put it in a jar, and then at the end of the year you go through them and look at them and have that reflective practice too. You can have a tradition with your family at dinner or in the car on the way home from soccer practice or whatever it is that works for you guys. Just practice gratitude.
(26:00):
And essentially what it does is that it helps train your brain to look for what you have and to look for opportunity rather than look for what you don't. And so that over time builds optimism, builds well-being, builds actual positive emotion and happiness. So I really, really recommend that you counteract social comparison with a good gratitude practice.
Brian Ford (26:22):
Yeah. Such good information. And I just like this idea, if we replace what we're leaving behind with positive substitutions, we're working to better our lives and fill the gaps in different ways. I mean, I can give up eating candy and that's good because I'm reducing my intake of sugar, kinds of artificial junk. But if I replace that candy with blueberries, then I get the added nutrients and benefits of blueberries. And I know that sounds silly, but I think if we could see this idea on a continuum like visually, it might make more sense because by not doing the thing that can harm us, yes, that is a step in the right direction and helps us make progress. But if we then replace it with something that's good, it has a compounding effect that really propels us in a positive way.
Bright Dickson (27:12):
Yeah. And helps us keep that habit going. A couple episodes back, we had Sarah on, she really talked about when you're changing that habit it's not enough to just sort of stop doing, you've got to add something in order to make it sustainable. So I recommend looking back at that podcast episode too. Wow. We're really plugging old podcast episodes here today, Brian. That's unusual for us, but I like it.
Brian Ford (27:33):
Well, I think it's the start of the new year, and I think we're excited for our listeners to not only dig into future episodes. But to say, look, if you're new, please go back. There's some other great episodes for sure.
(27:44):
Well, I know Bright, we're coming to an end here, and I just wanted to share, I really enjoyed our conversation about being intentional about acting instead of being acted upon. We're by no means saying no to social media, there are so many wonderful good things, and I hope we've highlighted a few of those good things today. But I do believe that we need to be intentional. We can't just float or our technology and these platforms may not serve our best interest, and I love this idea of being intentional.
Bright Dickson (28:14):
Yeah, I think it's all about using the time you have in ways that are really best for you and not being acted upon. And at some point, we're all going to be acted upon, but I think as much autonomy and as much control as you can take, that's going to help you in social media and all over your life.
Brian Ford (28:39):
That's it for this episode of Money and Mindset with Bright and Brian. We hope our discussion on ways to avoid keeping up with the Joneses is helpful to achieving more positivity in your finances and your daily life. Thank you for listening, and thank you as well, Bright.
Bright Dickson (28:54):
Thank you too, Brian. You can listen to other episodes of our podcast and find great articles and tools at Truist.com/Money-Mindset, or just do what I do and Google search Truist Money Mindset. We'll be back soon with more episodes that are designed to help you boost your financial confidence. We'll catch up with you next month, so see you then.
Speaker 3 (29:28):
This episode of Money and Mindset with Bright and Brian is brought to you by Truist.
